Everyone Wants a Village - Here’s How to Actually Be One

Lately, I’ve been thinking a lot about friendship, burnout, and what it actually means to show up for your friends as an adult. Everyone wants a village, but no one wants to be a villager. As much as I hate to admit it, that one hit a little too close to home. 

It feels like everyone I know is carrying something right now. Burnout. Mental health stuff. Work pressure. General life exhaustion. I can list a million reasons why I cannot make it to the birthday dinner, or why I should cancel a coffee catch up and stay home instead. And sometimes those reasons are very real.

But I love my friends. I care deeply about my community. And this year I want to be more intentional about showing that. I want the people around me to feel seen, supported, and thought of. I want to help build the kind of culture I wish I could lean on when I am struggling, too. Because friendship is a two way thing. It ebbs and flows with life, but it still needs effort. There are so many small ways to show up, even when you do not have much to give.

1. Be the one who reaches out to your friends
I have the object permanence of a toddler. If I am not regularly seeing friends on my phone or in my day-to-day life, I can accidentally go months without properly checking in. Not because I don’t care, but because it's not always at the forefront. 

A simple message goes a long way. A quick “how are you going?” or a short voice note while you are walking somewhere or doing a chore can keep those connections alive. It turns communication from something incidental or convenient to something intentional. 

2. Make the plan instead of waiting for one
If you opened my TikTok message history with my best friend, you would find an endless list of places to eat, things to do, and events we swear we will get to one day. Somehow, they rarely make it off the screen and into real life.
Sometimes I stop myself from suggesting things because I worry no one else will want to go. Or that I will be annoying. Most of the time, that fear is unfounded. Put the idea out there. Pick a date. Lock in a time. Add it to the calendar. Waiting around to be invited often just means nothing happens at all. You are allowed to create your own fun.

3. Show up, even when it is inconvenient or imperfect
This is the one I struggle with the most. I am tired. The drive feels scary. Socialising feels like work. I have something on tomorrow, so tonight feels like too much.
But showing up does not have to look perfect to make the difference. It does not mean staying out late or being your most energetic self. Sometimes it looks like arriving late. Sometimes it looks like leaving early. Sometimes it looks like sitting quietly together and calling it a night. And sometimes, it does mean pushing through a bit of discomfort to be there for your people. Every now and then, pushing through a little discomfort is worth it. Not always, and not at the expense of your health, but sometimes. Being there for your people often feels better in hindsight than staying home. And occasionally, you surprise yourself by doing the thing you almost talked yourself out of.

4. Remember the big things and the small ones
Making an effort to actually remember what is going on in your friends’ lives makes a bigger difference than you might think. The big milestones, but also the smaller, quieter stuff.

A message to say good luck before a stressful presentation. Congratulations when they pass an exam. A check-in when you know a certain date might be hard. Remembering these things shows that you are listening, not just reacting when something pops up on your feed. And if you struggle with keeping information locked and loaded in your brain, there's no shame in using calendars, notes, and other tools to help you remember; it all might come in useful later down the line. 

5. Treat people the way you hope to be treated
This one sounds obvious, but it is easy to forget when life gets busy. Think about what makes you feel loved as a friend. Being checked in on. Being remembered. Having people follow through.

Try to offer that same care outward when you can. A village is not built on grand gestures or perfect friendships. It is built on people choosing, again and again, to show up for each other in small, very human ways.

Written by Madi Laffan 
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